The story that I chose is called “Local business offers ‘spells’ and fortune telling.”
Their lead:
“In an unassuming storefront adjoined to the front of an old house near downtown Topeka, voodoo curses are lifted and ailments are relieved. The store is Topeka’s only ‘botanica’ shop.”
My leads:
The bottles contain spells and spirit. The shelves are filled with herbs, candles, and voodoo items. Tarot readings bring shock and awe. Darlene Regnier is bringing magic to the town of Topeka.
Darlene Regnier has opened Topeka’s first ever ‘botanica’ shop, one that dabbles in the art of voodoo and magic.
The original has one too many fronts. Your second lead is a good topical lead. The first could slow down a bit and provide a bit more description. Imagine you’re in the story providing a 180-degree description. Bottles. Shelves. A glimpse through a door to the backroom. Shoppers checking out. Boom. Magic!