By Kara Bentz — Ending a non-marital relationship can be one of the most agonizing tasks people endure because hurting someone is never easy. In an ideal world relationships would end with a polite handshake and a friendly “Best wishes to you,” but this is not an ideal world. Many relationships end with heartache, unanswered questions, resentment, or anger. However, there are steps and guidelines people can follow to end a relationship peacefully.
First, one must examine the relationship before considering ending it to make sure that the final decision is truly final. Making a decision with uncertainty may create an on-again off-again relationship, causing more confusion and greater potential heartache. One should reflect upon questions such as, “Does my partner treat me right?”; “Am I really happy?”; “Do I have confidence in the relationship?”; “Do I want to be with this person forever?”
Reflecting about questions like these is necessary because if doubt exists in the answers, one must recognize he or she is not meant to be with that partner. If the answers to these questions are no, it is most certainly time to end the relationship. Sometimes it may be necessary to talk about this with other people, such as friends, family, or even a counselor. If someone is having difficulties coming to a conclusion, hearing others’ perspectives can help.
Other people also offer great support systems during difficult times. However, one must make sure that other people do not make the decision for that person. It is easy for someone to consult with others and then to allow them to change one’s mind about what to do. In the book Media Psychology, Albert Bandura says, “Social networks and community settings provide natural incentives and continued personalized guidance, for desired change.” If too much help is acquired, people naturally will want to make a change in their lives even if that is not truly what they desire. When multiple outside opinions are presented, the decision becomes others’ rather than the person actually involved in the relationship.
Once one decides that the relationship should end, one must tell his or her partner that they need to talk. Now, it is not a smart idea for someone to just dump this phrase on a partner out of the blue. One cannot tell the partner, “I love you” one night and then the next day say, “We need to talk.” This contradiction creates confusion in the partner’s eyes and makes holding grudges more likely. Someone truly planning to end a relationship should subtly give hints that things have changed, allowing the other person time to accept that things could end. However, people should not “subtly” stop all contact with their partner and ignore them completely. A partner will not be accepting of the change if a relationship is ended in an abrupt fashion.
Once the decision has been made to openly discuss things, the day and time to meet in person should be set. It is crucial that one does not end things over text messaging, Facebook, Twitter, or any other depersonalized source. Such sources show a great deal of disrespect to the partner and could lead to potential resentment. The ideal forms of ending a relationship are in person and, if absolutely necessary, over the phone.
The meeting in person method offers the opportunity to fully explain the situation, talk everything over, and express feelings. It also shows that the person ending the relationship respects and appreciates the time spent together because he or she is willing to talk openly about the situation. While the over-the-phone method allows this as well, there is the chance that the other party would hang up before the conversation has fully ended, leaving many things unresolved. Un-discussed problems leave each party with questions that can lead to misinterpretations and future resentment.
While the means of the breakup are important, the way one approaches and discusses the topic is also essential to a successful breakup. During the meeting and conversing with one’s soon to be ex-partner, one must be sure to speak from the heart about feelings and thoughts on the matter. This cliché statement holds truth in that if someone addresses a breakup with a closed mind, crudeness, bluntness, or disrespect, the other party is going to be unaccepting and distant during the discussion. If one opens up and explains feelings without reservations, the other party will likely recognize this attempt and respect that.
If they do not recognize this attempt, one should point it out by saying, “I am really trying to openly tell you what I’ve been feeling. Please listen to what I have to say and view this from my perspective.” Saying something of this nature would help the partner realize that the decision was difficult to make. When two people can talk openly and honestly about the situation, everyone benefits. It is important for the person ending the relationship to maintain a calm attitude and a polite, soft tone of voice. Voices or tones that exude mock, blame, or sass can cause the other party to mirror this attitude. In order for a relationship to end peacefully, one must remain calm and at peace during the breakup.
After the breakup has occurred, it is crucial that one gives the ex-partner time to process everything. If the person who ended the relationship continually tries to contact the ex-partner, the person being broken up with will get aggravated and not be able to accept the situation in his or her own time. Instead, that person may feel pressured, possibly leading to resentment. It is important to let the other party process everything within a comfortable time period so that forgiveness and understanding can be achieved.
The breakup adjustment can produce different outcomes. For example, neither parties speak and they hold grudges with the way things ended; they don’t speak but still forgive each other and wish each other happiness; they continue to talk and feelings develop again; or they become close friends and are content with the way things ended. An ideal result would be to have lost a lover but kept a friend—which is a realistic goal—but very rarely does this actually occur. A relationship can still be considered to have ended successfully even if the two parties do not become friends. It is best to strive for forgiveness, understanding, and acceptance after the breakup, rather than a best friend relationship.
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