I read a page. Take a few notes. Scan the page again.

I read a page. Try to understand. Scan the page again.

I read a page. Take a few notes. Why the hell did I decide to take on a big research project during my senior year of college?

I flip the page. I might have chosen to tackle on a research project because of two reasons: I wanted to challenge myself and see if graduate school was calling my name.

Was I getting a challenge? Hell yeah. Big time. The amount of academic readings, media discussions, and historical accounts was making by brain hurt. I practically needed a week in the Bahamas with an extra-large piña colada after getting through remix studies.

“I want the research itself to change my mind about something or teach me something new,” said Dr. Coody, who is working on three religious research projects currently. Kudos to that woman.

Dr. Coody understands the difficulty with humanities research, the type I am currently working on. She explained what sets humanities research apart was that you have to set parameters for yourself and understand those parameters entirely before you even begin. Fully understanding and establishing the parameters takes longer than a scientific research study according to Coody.

After fully developing parameters, the next step is to just to read a ton. “You read. You read a lot and sometimes uselessly,” explained Dr. Coody “You read articles about things that are intriguing. You keep tabs on interesting topics. You follow people on twitter that post interesting stuff. You just keep reading. You have to be swimming in that world.”

The final step was taking the parameters and all the readings that have been consumed and apply it to a text. Texts could be a movie, book, or music. Basically, anything dealing with pop culture.

My entire research was focused on semiotics and femme fatales. You know? The ladies in those old black and white films with seductive looks and hourglass figures? Yeah, those ladies.

I have worked on my research project since May. I made baby steps with it over the summer by reading two to three chapters out of the media studies and film noir books I had been given. All of the work I had done culminated to me choosing my text before the school year started and meeting weekly with my faculty advisor.

I am still in the read constantly phase, on the verge of making the plunge in the deep end of a twenty-page paper. Still, understanding what academic types are saying takes quite a bit of time.

In my academic opinion, no one with a humanities PhD seemed capable to make their point in words that anyone could understand. Pages on pages that ooze PhD’s big brain energy and their discovery in the field, but now some poor soul has to practically use the Rosetta Stone to understand it.

I slouch further into the squeaky armchair. Twenty minutes until two.

I constantly doubt about how good my subject is. If people even care. But I do see potential if I get the microscope of what I am researching clear enough. It makes me excited. A bulldog type of stubbornness to find out what I can and contribute to the field of media studies. 

Dr. LaPaglia, a psychology professor and seasoned researcher, explained what I was going through was called imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome is when a person doubts their accomplishments or talents and fear they will be exposed as a fraud. LaPaglia said that the feelings I was having about my research was a common feeling for those in research.

Despite having imposter syndrome feelings, I know that my topic fits in the criteria that makes it seem the effort of researching.

“Two things: is it feasible? What I mean by that is there are plenty of studies I would enjoy doing but are just not feasible in time and resources,” explained Dr. LaPaglia about if a topic is worth researching “I also like to look at what previous research has been done and what is a hot topic right now. I think if it is something that is going to get people really interested. Something that people will want to learn about now that it might be worth pursuing.”

I sip some of my lukewarm latte.

I am personally struggling communicating to others what my research topic is. They ask. I try to convey it.

Conveying it tends to sound like “oh, you know those female characters from those old black and white movies? Yeah, I am studying them and if the coding of them holding a gun still equates to penis vibes.”

Explaining the topic doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue, even still after being in the topic five months after establishing it. But I am getting clearer explaining it. It has just taken quite a few discussions and a dozen books about the subject of femme fatales, semiotics, and remix studies.

I flip the page. Crap. Eight minutes left.

Each scribbled note or deciphering of media theories give me a better picture of what grad school looks like. Somehow, despite feeling inadequate or overwhelmed with information, I don’t mind the thought of doing this constantly in grad school.

Dr. Coody explained her journey to grad school was due to her seeing biblical influences during her English capstone class. Her curiosity led her to graduate school, where she learned the vocabulary and methods of studies. It was the research she did in graduate school that allowed her to find her true passion that she wanted to do with her career.

Dr. LaPaglia said she already knew she wanted to go to graduate school. Doing research during undergraduate school was just the piece that she needed to propel her to her goal. Graduate school also opened her eyes to a deeper side of research and what she grew to love doing.

I am just curious if the research I was doing would help with what comes next question. 

Who knows what I’ll be doing after college. Maybe selling alpaca wool sweaters. Possibly becoming a professional spoon man. Even exotic dancing was still on the table.

I take a sip of my now cold latte. I flip the page.

No matter what happens with my future decisions or with the research, I am going to look back with a sense of pride and accomplishment. I will look at my mini dissertation as a mom does when she drops her baby off to kindergarten.

Sure, it might cause me to pull my hair out, curse a couple times, and stress cry a handful of moments, but it will be worth it. 

Finishing up my research will be like what Dr. Coody expressed to me while holding a printed book version of her research. “I made this book! Look it has my name on the cover! It’s so exciting! My name is on the spine of a book! What a freaking thrill!” exclaimed Dr. Coody.

If I don’t have that type of energy when I finish it, I’ll be upset.

I flip the page. I jot down one more note. It is finally two.

My faculty advisor walks into the study space, plops into his chair, and immediately whips his computer open.

He clears his throat before speaking. “So, how are we feeling this week?”

Shit bro, I don’t even know the answer to that. 

“Better than last week,” I reply while closing the book.