sensual ice cream
I opened the packaging slightly as if it were a business letter. the ice cream bar whispered slightly “undress me”. As the paper wrapping was gone the dark brown chocolate shell revealed itself, and i couldnt help but notice that the bottom end of the ice cream bar had been damaged and partially melting away to waste. I could wait no longer. My mouth inched closer to the bar and a waft of cocoa slithered its way up my nostrils, egging me on even more. At last I finally took that first bite of the bar, crunching through the outer chocolate shell, sinking my teeth like a vampire into its unsuspecting vanilla flesh. The bite I took had harmonically melted and mixed on my pallet and ever so easily slid its way down my esophagus. After that initial munch my mouth was off to the races, violently attacking and masticating giant piece after piece of the chocolate coated vanilla ice cream bar. At a point, my tongue caressed the ice cream and lavishly lapped up each lick of vanilla until it reached the wooden stick. As my tongue brushed against the core of the ice cream, a slight taste of wood and a rough sensation had signalling to my pallet that the end was unjustly near. Unfortunately, with a last delectable slurp, the ice cream had gone and the short vacation for my mouth had abruptly ended.
Good verbs, Jescy. Slithering. Egging. Having the bar say “undress me” is a little weird, but what if you had stayed with that? There’s also a bit of a vampire metaphor. Given the wooden stick in the center, that could make for a humorous end. And alliteration: lavishly lapped, lick and vanilla.
One thing to consider is making the description work together all as one. We’ll talk a bit about tone and voice this semester. Pick one voice. One metaphor. Carry it through.
fuglsang said this on September 4, 2012 at 3:49 am