I read a page. Take a few notes. Scan the page again.

I read a page. Try to understand. Scan the page again.

I read a page. Take a few notes. Why the hell did I decide to take on a big research project during my senior year of college?

I flip the page. I might have chosen to tackle a research project because I wanted to challenge myself and see if graduate school was calling my name.

Was I getting a challenge? Hell yeah. Big time. The amount of academic readings, media discussions, and historical accounts was making by brain hurt. I practically needed a week in the Bahamas with an extra-large piña colada after getting through remix studies.

“I want the research itself to change my mind about something or teach me something new,” said Dr. Elizabeth Coody, who is working on three religious research projects currently. Kudos to that woman.

Dr. Coody understands the difficulty with humanities research, the type I am currently working on. She explained what sets humanities research apart is that you have to set parameters for yourself and understand those parameters entirely before you even begin. Fully understanding and establishing the parameters takes longer than a scientific research study according to Coody.

After fully developing parameters, the next step is to just to read a ton. “You read. You read a lot, sometimes uselessly,” explained Dr. Coody, “You read articles about things that are intriguing. You keep tabs on interesting topics. You follow people on Twitter that post interesting stuff. You just keep reading. You have to be swimming in that world.”

The final step is taking the parameters and all the readings that have been consumed and apply it to a text. Texts could be a movie, book, or music. Basically, anything dealing with pop culture.

I turn the page. I jot a few notes. I did not understand that page at all. Period.

My entire research was focused on semiotics and femme fatales. You know? The women in those old black and white films with seductive looks and hourglass figures? Yeah, those ladies.

I have been working on my research project since May. I made baby steps with it over the summer by reading two to three chapters out of media studies and film noir books I had been given. All of the work I had done culminated with me choosing the piece of media I would analyze before the school year started and meeting weekly with my faculty advisor.

I am still in the reading constantly phase, on the verge of making the jump into a twenty-page paper. The same pattern with research happens alongside writing the paper.

I take a few notes. I turn the page. Only three pages of progress since starting this chapter. Shit.

In my academic opinion, no one with a master’s degree or PhD seemed capable to make their point in words that anyone could understand. Being stuck on the same page of their paper seemed like a given when trying to learn more about their subject. Pages on pages that ooze big brain energy and their discovery in the field, but now some poor soul has to practically use the Rosetta Stone to understand it.

I slouch further into the squeaky armchair. Feelings of defeat return. Twenty minutes until two.

I constantly worry my subject won’t be good enough. Or If people even care. But I do see potential if I get the microscope of what I am researching clear enough. It makes me excited. 

Dr. Jessica LaPaglia, a psychology professor and seasoned researcher, explained what I am going through is called imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome is when a person doubts their accomplishments or talents and fear they will be exposed as a fraud. LaPaglia said that the feelings I was having about my research was a common feeling for those in research.

Despite not feeling the most confident with my research, I think that that there is something worth pursuing with my subject.

“Two things: is it feasible? What I mean by that is there are plenty of studies I would enjoy doing but are just not feasible in time and resources,” explained Dr. LaPaglia “I also like to look at what previous research has been done and what is a hot topic right now. I think if it is something that is going to get people really interested. Something that people will want to learn about now that it might be worth pursuing.”

The words in the book start blurring. Wish I wasn’t always tired. I sip some of my lukewarm latte.

I am personally struggling communicating to others what my research topic is. They ask. I try to convey it.

Conveying it tends to sound like “oh, you know those female characters from those old black and white movies? Yeah, I am studying them and if the coding of them holding a gun still equates to penis envy.”

Explaining the topic doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue, even still after being in the topic five months. But I am getting clearer explaining it. It has just taken quite a few discussions and a dozen books about the subject of femme fatales, semiotics, and remix studies.

I flip the page. Crap. Eight minutes left. I still have no clue what to discuss.

Each scribbled note or decryption of media theories give me a better picture of what grad school looks like. Somehow, despite feeling inadequate or overwhelmed with information, I don’t mind the thought of doing this constantly in grad school.

As a senior, deciding my next step is the next big thing for me. It’s all people ever talk about around me it feels like anymore. These discussions tend to leave me in panic mode for several hours.

I have answers to the questions asking what I am thinking about doing after college. Graduate school is one of the possible options. A majority has the same reaction with the graduate school answer. Raised eyebrows and being slightly unsure how to respond.

There is a lot to consider with the graduate school path. Variables like which schools are the best and thinking about am I willing to put in the effort. Graduate school would ultimately lead to teaching at the college level, fulfilling the teacher’s curse my second-grade teacher gave me. 

I am collecting as much information on what graduate school would entail. Doing my research project alongside hearing professors’ stories is giving me perspective for now.

Dr. Coody explained her journey to grad school was due to her seeing biblical influences during her English capstone class. Her curiosity led her to graduate school, where she learned the vocabulary and methods of studies. It was the research she did in graduate school that allowed her to find her true passion that she wanted to do with her career.

Dr. LaPaglia said she knew her path would lead her to graduate school. Doing research during undergraduate school was just the piece she needed to propel her to her goal. Graduate school also opened her eyes to a deeper side of research and what she grew to love doing.

Hopefully working on this project helps bring me some clarity on what to do next.

Who knows what I’ll be doing after college. Maybe selling alpaca wool sweaters. Possibly becoming a professional spoon man. Even exotic dancing is still on the table.

I take a sip of my now cold latte. I flip the page.

No matter what happens with my future decisions or with the research, I am going to look back with a sense of pride and accomplishment. I will look at my mini senior paper as a mom does when she drops her baby off to kindergarten.

Sure, it might cause me to pull my hair out, curse a couple times, and stress cry a handful of moments, but it will be worth it. 

Finishing up my research will resemble what Dr. Coody expressed to me while holding a printed book version of her research. “I made this book! Look it has my name on the cover! It’s so exciting! My name is on the spine of a book! What a freaking thrill!” exclaimed Dr. Coody.

If I don’t have that type of energy when I finish it, I’ll be upset.

I flip the page. I jot down one more note. It is finally two.

My faculty advisor walks into the study space, plops into his chair, and immediately whips his computer open.

He clears his throat before speaking. “So, how are we feeling this week?”

Shit bro, I don’t even know the answer to that. 

“Better than last week,” I reply while closing the book.