Midwest Beer Belly Despair Blog

Ice cream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream? Maybe not today. Shunting aside the disappointment of not being given free ice cream, but having to do some work with it, I have to say I was surprised by this frosty concoction. It came in a cup, spawning memories of being seven and fighting with friends over who’s ice cream was better, sweltering in the humid misery of Point Harmony Elementary cafeteria. Divided roughly in half, the cup was one side white ice cream and on the other a brown icy swirl. The white side performed as expected, melting slightly on the top, curling  in one piece as the spoon shaved off the top layer. Nothing out of the ordinary until, BAM! The spoon hits the brown and going from a nice, smooth, easy shave the ice cream turns vicious, bucking the spoon, flakes of brown ice crystals stacking up and shattering against each other, the rage of some substance being released from it’s frozen prison.

Finally having a a good glob of ice cream on my spoon, I pop it into my mouth, hurrying so as to replace the oddness of the texture of the ice cream with a wonderful mixture of chocolate and vanilla. But NOOO. The brown betrayed me. It’s not chocolate at all. It’s root beer. HyVee, not content with the glory and majesty that is a root beer float, decided to FREEZE it. While it tastes fine, this is absurd. It’s almost as bad as making ketchup purple or blue or green or any other color other than red. Why, Hyvee, why? By the time I take the second bite, I already decide that this is not a happy time and has a rather unpleasant aftertaste. Almost a minty, antiseptic taste. And then it hits me. I’m tasting my mouthwash. The ice cream is being overpowered by Crest. I can’t take it. I stop eating, letting the ice cream melt into swirled, sad puddle of sugar, lactose, and water. Once again, dentists have ruined another day in my life. First it was cavities, then it was braces, and now it is ice cream. These sadists are gaining more and more of a foothold on things that I enjoy, all in the name of “oral health.”