During this holiday season, we would like to share a story of a gift of love that keeps on giving. This moving story is about a sister’s love for her brother.
Nicky Stansell is a 1997 graduate of Morningside College. Her brother contracted AIDS while a student in college. How does she come to terms with it? How is a family from small town Iowa to deal with the news? How did things turnout?
Nicky Stansell in her own words – tells the story about the death of her brother and how it has led her on a journey to adopting a child. It’s rather long BUT worth the read!!
“If you’re ever gonna find a silver lining, it’s gotta be a cloudy day.” Kasey Musgrave.
In order to understand my silver lining, I need to tell you about my cloudy days.
When I was three days shy of my 18th birthday, I learned something that would forever change my life. I was a senior in high school and for some reason just didn’t feel very well that day, so I came home early. After I got home, my mom told me that my older brother, Noel, was coming home from college that day. He was due the next weekend for his fall break so it was odd he was coming home early.
Later that night, the phone rang. It was for me. I don’t remember who it was but I remember what happened when I came back in the kitchen to hang it up. The mood had changed drastically. My parents were alone, and I could tell something was wrong. When I asked what was going on, they told me why Noel was home. He had tested positive for HIV. Even now, writing that sentence still takes my breath away. Here it was 1991 in small town Iowa, and even though I had learned about HIV/AIDS in school, I never thought it would impact my life.
Fast forward four years, and now Noel was sick, really sick. I was a senior in college. I had never expected him to get sick so soon. Even back then, before the retro-viral medications had been invented, people with HIV could live 8-10 years before having any illnesses. I thought we would have more time. And even when the call came from my parents on the eve of my 22nd birthday telling me to come home because the doctors didn’t think he would live through the weekend, I still didn’t believe he would actually die. I got up early the next day and spent four hours driving home, crying and praying that I would make it in time to say goodbye.
My dad and I went to the nursing home where Noel had been for the past 4 months. I had seen him just a few weeks before, but I could see that his condition had deteriorated. What I did next, would take me a very long time to forgive myself for. I went to Noel’s bedside and sat with him, not really knowing what to say, I asked him if he knew what day it was. He shook his head no. “It’s my birthday,” I said. As much as I knew he was suffering, I couldn’t bear it if he died on my birthday and I wanted him to know that. It was probably the single most selfish thing I have ever done in my life.
As it turns out, he didn’t die on my birthday. Or the day after. Noel held on seven more long, excruciatingly painful days. I know he held on for me so that I wouldn’t have to live the rest of life remembering my birthday as the day he died. During those last few days, he was in a lot of pain and I will always feel guilty for that.
Two days before he died, I had told Noel it was ok to go. I told him we loved him and we would always miss him, but we would be ok. The day before he died, I prayed the hardest prayer of my life: I prayed for God to take him home and end his suffering. On the night he died, my parents and I were in his room. I was trying to sleep, but I remember feeling a tugging at my heart to turn around and look at Noel. When I did, I knew it was almost over. I sat by his side and felt his hand; it was already growing cold. We all were crying and hugging each other as he took his last breathe at 4:35 AM.
Surviving Noel’s death was the hardest thing I have ever done. Noel was my first friend and he was my best friend. After the funeral, I had to go back to college. To say I was depressed is an understatement. I went to class and slept. I studied and slept. I felt very alone. It was as if my right arm had been cut off and I had to relearn how to live my life with only one arm.
The days and months to follow were full of dark and stormy clouds. And they just wouldn’t go away.
The First Silver Lining
I was in the library doing research for a paper for a psychology class. It was about how grief resulting from HIV/AIDS was different than grief from other illnesses. In my research, I found an article about a man, Neil Willenson, who started a summer camp for children impacted by HIV/AIDS. I had been a camp counselor for the past three summers and as I read the article I knew I HAD to go and work at this camp.
I wrote a letter to Neil and explained why I would be the perfect camp counselor for Camp Heartland. Weeks later, I got a response. It turned out that Neil actually lived in Wisconsin and they had rented the campsite in New Jersey. But just as the article had found its way into my hands, the letter had made it into Neil’s. He told me he would love me to come and work and once the summer staff applications were available he would send one.
On my way to Camp Heartland, I had to drive through a huge rainstorm. I was nervous about the rain, missing my turns, and about this new adventure. As the storm lightened up, I saw the most beautiful rainbow and I knew I was in the right place. I knew that God (with maybe a little help from Noel) had led me to camp.
Camp Heartland played such a huge part in my grieving/ healing process. It was (is) a place full of love, happiness, healing, and acceptance. Camp was my silver lining. Through it, I made lifelong friendships.
Those summers spent at Camp Heartland and the friendships I made was my silver lining for all the cloudy days I had to endure… but I wouldn’t fully understand the depth of the lining until this summer, nearly 19 years after my brother’s death.Like Loading…
Connecting The Dots
“I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord, “They are plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11
“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backward. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.” Steve Job
This summer while I was still waiting for my adoption agency to find me a match, I tried to stay busy. I ran a lot of races, biked, and visited friends. There was one weekend that I was especially looking forward to: July 4th weekend. I was going to be returning to Camp Heartland for the first time in 13 years. Neil had decided to host a reunion to celebrate the camp’s 20th year.
In the weeks before camp, I had been in contact with my adoption agency. They were asking many questions about how I was planning to fund my adoption. To be honest, I really didn’t have any great answers for them. I was nervous about the money. I spent time talking with friends who had adopted and asking for advice.
When the time came for the reunion, I packed my bag and headed north. I was looking forward to a fun weekend of hiking, canoeing, singing camp songs, and catching up with old friends. I had agreed to pick up a former camper and her daughter who had flown in for the reunion. We got to camp in the early afternoon and settled into our cabins. What I didn’t know then, was that in a few hours I would have a conversation which would change my life.
As the afternoon progressed, people began arriving. Some of them I knew and some I didn’t. We all ate dinner and then had an opening night “campfire” where we did skits and sang songs. Later when we were roasting marsh-mellows and making s’mores, Neil came over and asked to talk to me.
He said to me, “You’re adopting, right?”
“Yes…” I replied. Neil went on to ask me if I had noticed the young couple, Sam and Maya (names have been changed for confidentiality). He had learned from Susan that Maya was pregnant and they were considering adoption. And he was thinking, wouldn’t it be great if he told them about me and we all had the chance to get to know each other over the weekend. Jaw. Dropped.
Neil wanted to know if he could tell them about me. Ummm, yes. A huge emphatic yes! This could be the answer to my prayers. I would finally have a match. A match that I had been hoping and praying for. I knew better than to get too excited, but deep inside my heart, it all felt so right.
Finally on the last morning, Neil came to me after breakfast and told me they wanted to talk to me. We went outside and found a quiet spot. I knew they were both just 18 years old and that Sam was a former camper. As we talked, I found myself surprised by the depth of the questions they asked me. They asked me questions which I had had to answer during my home study; questions asked by a licensed social worker.
Kids come to Camp Heartland because they are affected by HIV/AIDS. This can mean a parent or sibling has HIV or it can mean the child themself. Sam shared with me there would be a slight chance the baby would have HIV. I hadn’t known his HIV status, nor did he and Maya know about my past. When I told them what had led me to camp, a bond was formed.
Sam told me they were going to talk things over and make a decision. He asked how he could get in touch with me so I gave him my contact information. I asked if I could pray for them, gave them both a hug and walked away.
Later, I said good-bye to camp friends and drove home filled with anticipation. I could not believe the events of the past three days. If Sam and Maya did decide to give their baby up for adoption, and if they chose me…. it was all so amazing.
Two days later, they called. They wanted me to adopt their baby. And I said yes.
And so began my love affair with this baby and this sweet, wonderful couple.
Nineteen years ago, Noel died, and it was horrible. I couldn’t possibly know back then what laid ahead. But God had an elaborate plan for me. I couldn’t see it then. I couldn’t have imagined how the dots were going to connect together to complete this beautiful puzzle. My heart was emptied and now it is being filled up again with such joy and love.
When I first starting telling my friends and family this story, I would say that this match just fell into my lap. But it didn’t. This match was PUT in my lap. It is truly a match made in Heaven.
