Pulling the cold treat out of its container and ripping open the white wrapper was a delicious surprise to my slow morning. When grabbing that treat and beginning to slowly rip open the wrapper, you get your first glance at the muddy brown chocolate bar. Even though the treat feels cold as making a snowball in the winter , it gave me a warm feeling in my hungry early morning stomach. When taking that first bite you will hear a soft crunch that soon goes quiet as your teeth reach the cold, white, vanilla inside of the little piece of heaven on a stick.
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Some good stuff here, Shane. “Muddy brown” is a good detail. Some good sensory detail. Heaven on a stick is also a good metaphor that could maybe be extended.
The two sentences that begin with “when” are a bit awkward, though. How could they be re-written with stronger verbs?