Ever since I can remember, I have always wanted to play a collegiate sport. I used to tell people I would be the next best Division one player they knew. I can remember all those long days of practices, going from one sport to the next, but loving every second of it. Growing up playing sports gave me a foundation of trust and confidence. I began to grow my abilities on the basketball court but also in my relationships with those around me. I learned how to work in groups and as a team for a bigger purpose than myself. From the thrill of competing in YMCA games, to middle school A/B team basketball, to varsity basketball in high school, my mind never changed. I was going to become a college basketball player.
Looking back on the recruitment process, things were hard. It was difficult promoting myself. I believed I was the best basketball player ever, but coaches at the big schools didn’t see me that way. It took a lot of confidence and resilience to continue to push myself to get recruited and to be seen. I knew that I would not be happy if I didn’t give it everything I had. Many late-night film sessions, meetings, and phone calls. In the end, it paid off when Northwest Missouri State, a Division II in Maryville MO, gave me a shot.
College is the best and worst time of your life. It is your first breath of freedom from your parents, and setting your own rules. Transitioning from being the top dog in high school getting all the attention and accolades to being a nobody trying to find their place in a whole new world was difficult. I made it to my goal of being a college athlete but I didn’t know what was next for me. Things went full swing right away and the feelings of being an imposter kept creeping up on me. I can remember my first week of class and practice and feeling such a sense of dread and fear. I wanted to run home to my mom and never leave the house again. I was struggling to fit in and be myself with my team. It is always a challenge to be liked by everyone, but I was so worried about that, it made me not act true to myself and I found myself lonely at the end of the day.
“College has been a total roller-coaster. My freshman year was hard. I felt a longing for home, and I was only thirty minutes away,” Sam Ehlers said. “It took about six months for me to feel adjusted, and basketball season and the team really helped me with feeling that.”
I thought I could not handle the pressure of being a college athlete anymore, and so I quit. I gave up the one thing that was true in my heart since I was five years old. My mind stood in my way. I was able to keep up at basketball and on the court with the other players, but mentally I was done. The feelings of disappointment took over my whole body. I had failed. I was nothing, and nobody.
“I remember wanting to quit my freshman year of college,” fifth year senior Alexis Spier said. “Everything was new, and it just felt like a lot. I wanted to be able to go out and fit into the college life that way a little too much, so I never truly brought into the team my first year.”
It is hard to feel a part of a group or community when everything in your body is telling you that you don’t belong. Those feelings happen to everyone. After giving up at Northwest Missouri State, I transferred to the University of Nebraska at Lincoln. It was finally time to be a normal college student, work, and have the freedom to go out and do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.
UNL was a very different experience than before. I had no team to run to when I was lonely. I would wake up, go to one or two classes, then head back to my apartment, where yes, I lived alone. It was tough. I felt like I was wasting my time and talent. I can remember sitting alone and watching the Husker women’s basketball team, and thinking to myself how much I missed the sport. I had never been anything else besides a basketball player, so I lost myself and didn’t know what to do.
It was time for a change. It was time to pull myself out of the funk I had been in for months. Thankfully, I had past connections with coaches who had recruited me throughout high school. I had to shoot my shot. I emailed Jamie Sale, the head coach of the Morningside Women’s basketball team and asked him if he had any room for a transfer. He knew I hadn’t played the game in a few years, but still decided to take a shot on me.
“If we have space on our team for transfers, I always try to give them a chance. Typically, they have experience under their belt or are coming from a JUCO and will be able to hop in maybe even a little better than a freshman,” Head Coach Jamie Sale said.
Finding yourself is challenging as it is but finding yourself while losing who you are at your core makes it that much harder. You must persevere through those times. You have to find that little voice in your head that is telling you to keep going and listen to it. If you don’t believe in yourself, how do you expect others to. It is okay to feel upset, to feel dread, or to feel like you don’t belong. You just have to keep looking. I am not onto my last year of college at Morningside University, and I couldn’t be happier, and feel more at home.
