Bev’s on the River

Inmate: Derf, Fred J.

Inmate number: 2352-246

Location: Missouri State Prison

Crime: 16 counts murder.

I made a living (or a killing, you could say) prowling along the river at night before I ended up on death row. I wanted to go back to my roots for my last meal so I had lunch at Bev’s on the River in Sioux City. It’s a fancy little restaurant along the Missouri river that, according to reviews and friends, was the spot to eat for fine dining.

We rolled up to the restaurant and I felt like the Jeffersons, or better yet Will Smith in Fresh Prince: a street kid movin’ on up to fine dining (well, moving as far up as you can when you’re a convicted murderer). I dressed real fancy with some slacks and a nice button up. I felt like a thousand bucks, or a carton of smokes, which is also very valuable when you’re in prison.

The restaurant itself was very tastefully structured. There was a lot of room for seating and had a nice and clean bar in the middle with a lot of top-shelf options and TV screens above it. There was also an outside seating area which overlooked the Missouri river that was just yards away. We sat at a large table in between the bar and a giant window that overlooked the outside patio seating. I felt like it was a place I could take my old lady out for a steak dinner.

The waitress brought out a menu for me to look at. It was a relatively small menu considering it was only the lunch section, but had some fancy sounding options. There were a lot of different kinds of sandwiches and pastas and a few big options like prime rib and country fried chicken. I’m a fish lover so I decided to order fish and chips, a caesar salad, and a plate of jumbo shrimp as an appetizer.

The shrimp came out and I was disappointed to see they were below-average cocktail shrimp that weren’t jumbo at all. They tasted like they had been frozen and had a rubbery texture to them. The cocktail sauce was average at best; it tasted a little like horseradish and ketchup so I squeezed a little lemon juice to spruce it up a tad. It was 9 dollars for the shrimp but I wasn’t terribly upset about the appetizer as I was sure the main course would be much better, especially considering it, too, had a pretty steep price.

“Jumbo” shrimp. Maybe they were being ironic.

I got the salad before the entree and, again, it tasted not quite up to par considering how pricey and fancy the restaurant was supposed to be. The lettuce was a little soggy with dressing and there weren’t many croutons or cheese.All of the items other than the lettuce were just thrown on top without tossing it in.

The fish and chips finally came and I was disappointed once more. The fish looked like 3 egg rolls. They were basically chunks of cod fish that were breaded and too greasy. The bottoms were soggy from the grease. The chips were bland fries that seemed to have no seasoning or flavor. The tarter sauce had a strange taste to it as well as it was mixed with malt vinegar. It was tough to eat.

Eggrolls- uhm. I mean fish and chips.

The dessert, though, was alright. I ordered a carrot cake that turned out to be ok. It had almonds and a little coconut with white frosting. It was rich and satisfying.

Overall, my last meal was very disappointing. Given the price and the hype of the restaurant, I don’t think it was worth the trip.

I liked this, though.